Being in love and having a relationship is a wonderful thing, but, as with most things in life, can be stressful at times. Research has identified a number of common causes of relationship stress in couples, as well as things you can do to return to a harmonic relationship.
The top four causes of relationship stress
Uncertainty about the future. Being unsure of whether a relationship with somebody you love will last has appeared to be the most common cause of relationship stress. This applies to both men and women.
Disagreements and arguments. A solid number two on the list are disagreements and arguments. Conflicts can raise about essentially anything: from financial priorities to raising the children or improper conduct from the partner.
Lack of effort from the partner. Many feel stressed about a lack of effort from their partner. Although less frequently indicated by couples in surveys than the top two causes of stress, feeling that the other doesn’t do enough, or at least a lot less than you do yourself, in a relationship is quite a strong stressor. It is difficult to bring this up to the partner. If the other indeed doesn’t care so much to keep the relationship good, then there is usually not so much that can be done about it. On the other hand, if the other does care, then he or she will usually increase their efforts to improve the relationship.
Deviating expectations about other aspects of living together. It can happen that one partner feels the other does not live to his or her expectations in terms of family care, dividing work and tasks between the two partners, or other things related to living together in a family.
Six signs you are experiencing relationship stress
Being constantly worried about your relationship. A typical sign of this is that you think a lot about what your partner is thinking, and about what he or she is doing, will be doing or will react in a particular situation. These thoughts are a manifestation of increasing anxiety because of a stressful relationship. Your constant worrying prevents you from relaxing, having fun, or getting things done.
Not being able to express yourself to your partner. Communication is essential in a healthy relationship. If you feel stressed about your relationship, however, it may be difficult to express what you feel or what concerns you. What this basically reflects is that you are anticipating a negative reaction of your partner. To avoid a negative reaction, you will show avoidance behavior and remain silent, stuffing your feelings and concerns. This is not unlike stress that is caused by expecting stress. Just thinking about negative consequences or events that may happen is just as powerful a stressor as a real stressor that actually occurs.
You are always overanalyzing. Constant thinking about the quality of your relationship is another sign of relationship stress. Overanalyzing situations that have occurred and that are expected to occur may be a sign that the relationship you are in is not the perfect fit for you, or that your partner is not able to connect to you emotionally. For example, if you are an emotionally sensitive person and your partner is not, then your emotional needs may not be met by your partner.
Inability to reach compromises. Making compromises is essential in a relationship to keep the relationship stable and even grow as a couple. Giving and taking to find solutions that work for both partners is the goal here. Giving up an argument to prevent a fight is not a compromise, but rather avoidance behavior and giving in to your partner’s needs. If you find yourself giving up easily, then you are neglecting a piece of yourself, stressing yourself out just to make your partner happy. This is not healthy for you, nor for your partner as tensions may rise in the long term.
Inability to resolve arguments. Related to this, arguments that go on and on, or continuously go in circles, are stressful, because neither you or your partner is willing to admit being wrong and stick to your positions. If this happens frequently, then you may want to reconsider your relationship.
You are doubting yourself. If your partner demands that he or she needs to have things their way all the time, is manipulative or not willing to compromise, you may start to doubt yourself. On the one hand, you feel that your arguments are just, but on the other hand the determination of your partner may make you wonder whether you see things completely wrong. With time, and with more lost arguments, you will be questioning yourself all the time. This has a negative effect on your actions and decisions, not to mention your feelings and mental health.
Getting back to a harmonic relationship: discuss from your own perspective
If you find yourself under relationship stress, then you should take action. Not only for the sake of your own health, but also to save and improve your relationship.
The most obvious thing to do is to talk about the problems you are experiencing. Unfortunately, many find it difficult to do this. Some people may avoid the most important and pressing topics, whereas others may start a discussion but end up in a fight. So the question then is: what is the best way to discuss relationship stress to solve your problems and bring harmony back in the relationship?
There is a technique that you can use to discuss stress, not only in your relationship but also in other stress-related situations such as those that may arise at work. This technique is all about discussing the problem from your own perspective. You will begin with an observation you made, and continue by saying which effect this observation has on you. In this way, you are “soft” on the person, but “hard” on the content (the message that you want to convey to the other). By presenting your problem like this, the other will not feel offended. This makes the conversation and the finding of solutions a whole lot easier!
Let’s look at an example. Imagine that your partner always interferes when you are correcting misbehavior of your child. This may undermine your authority as a parent, so that your child will respect you less. To resolve this situation, you have to discuss this with your partner. You can start the conversation as follows: “I have noticed that you step in everytime I try to correct our child.” Then the effect this has on you: “I strongly feel that this weakens my role as a parent enormously and that our child does not respect me anymore. Also, this suggests to me that you do not appreciate the way I educate our child.” And you finalize by saying that you think the two of you should talk about it. And then you take it from there! As long as your opening of the discussion is respectful to the other, while being clear on the problem, the quality of the discussion will usually be good. This applies to any topic in your relationship that gives you stress, including the four that we mentioned at the beginning of this article.
At times, however, your partner does not seem ready for discussion, and starts yelling when you bring up your problem. In that case, let your partner let off steam. Don’t start yelling back. Instead, do what policemen have been taught to do when they are screamed at: they just let the other scream, and wait for a moment to re-enter the conversation when the other person has calmed down. So you wait until the moment is right to talk in a constructive way. This can be the next day, or the next week, or the next minute.
Whatever happens, don’t swipe the problem under the carpet. Because if you do, problems will start to pile up, so finding solutions becomes much more difficult.
See the value of an argument
What may help to calm your mind when having a conflict with your partner is to think that arguments may not necessarily be bad. If they lead to good discussions and solve problems, you may even get ahead as a couple. For many couples, affection increases after having resolved a serious issue together.
True, thinking positively about an argument as it occurs is difficult, but perhaps you can anchor this idea at the back of your head, so that it is there in the background when you need it.
Be forgiving
The occasional disagreement or relationship blow is inevitable for most couples living under stressful conditions. To recover from fights, forgive quickly and easily. As long as you and your partner do not engage in emotional or physical abuse, be quick to forgive and move on.
Take time for yourself
Humans thrive on positive human connection and positive relationships. However, to maintain healthy relationships and a sense of personal identity, it is essential to ensure that you take some time for yourself.
Be compassionate with yourself and your partner
Be kind to yourself as you try to find the best way to cope with the problem that brings about relationship stress. Remember that your partner is also most likely experiencing stress, fear and anxiety. Be sensitive and empathize with him or her towards the worries and difficulties they may have.
Remember the love you feel for each other: an example from the COVID pandemic
Conflicts are easier to resolve when a couple has a foundation of loving interactions to build on. Richard Slatcher, Ph.D., a social and personality psychologist, led an online study called "Love in the Time of COVID" to track people's experiences in isolation and lockdown. The data shows that people who were in happy relationships at the beginning of COVID are doing well, while those who were struggling in their relationships had their problems magnified.
See a therapist
If you feel that the two of you cannot resolve the stress that is caused by problems in your relationship, then you may consider seeing a therapist. There are therapists that are specialized in marital problems you can go to, or you can opt for council from a psychiatrist specialized in relationship therapy. Together with the therapist, you will look for the causes of your stress in your relationship and try to find solutions.
Relationship stress is common
All relationships have their ups and downs, and conflicts can and do occur. With good discussion, most of these will pass without serious consequences for the quality of the relationship in the long term. Causes are many, and include on top of the four mentioned earlier feeling misunderstood, growing apart, and feeling left out.
When you recognize these common causes of relationship stress, realize that you are by no means alone. The important thing is to discuss the origins of stress constructively, by presenting the problem from your perspective, and then to work on solutions together as a couple. Most of the time, this solves the problem, so that you will find your romantic relationship from before, enabling you to offer support to your partner and to provide a stable basis that allows the relief from stress in life rather than creating it.
